Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy, SpikeTV owns MXC, I don’t even own the car I drive. No copyright infringement is intended so please don’t sue, I’m broke.
Summary: It’s Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, Buffy style.
Author’s Note: This is my first real attempt at comedy and my first attempt at writing script style, so I appreciate all the feedback I can get, good and bad.
Dedication: To Helen and Nikki, for whom I do everything. And my angels, Jordan and Jessica. May they rest in peace.
(BtVS/MXC, Rated ‘R’ for violence and crude humor)
(Establishing shot: A group of Japanese people running through a wooded area.)
VO: What are these people running from? They’re not, they’re running to the world’s most extreme game show. Today’s competition will pit Demons against Champions. It’s Good vs. Evil in the ultimate grudge match. Get fired up for MXC, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge! Now here are your hosts, Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano.
(Cut to Vic and Kenny, sitting in their usual places with their minions behind them. Kenny is wearing a bad Dracula outfit, complete with plastic fangs. Vic is wearing a blonde wig and holding Kenny at bay with a cross.)
Vic: Back! Back foul demon!
Kenny: Hey, who are you calling foul? I took a shower last week.
Vic: Be that as it may Ken, you’re still a vampire. And it’s my duty as a slayer to kill you.
Kenny: I thought slayers were all hot chicks.
Vic: Right you are Ken, but this is only a demonstration. Were I an actual slayer I’d be forced to take a wooden stake and thrust it into your cold, dead heart. Like this.
(Vic picks up his folded Japanese fan and pokes Kenny in the chest with it.)
Kenny: Ow! Hey, watch where you’re sticking that thing! I thought slayers just had sex with vampires, why do you think I’m dressed like this. I was hoping that I would be the one doing most of the thrusting.
Vic: Kenny! That’s a terrible thing to say, how could you even think that! That’s a slanderous rumor that happens to be only partially true.
Kenny: Whatever, I still want to bag myself a slayer. Yummy.
Vic: Indeed Ken. For now let’s throw it over to Guy LaDouche and get this party started. Guy?
(Cut to Guy standing outside.)
Guy: Thank you boys. Today we start with Rotating Surfboard of Death, followed by the ever-popular Dash to Death, then we move on to Big Brass Balls, and finally we finish with Log Drop. As you know, many of today’s competitors have special powers and abilities, so we’ve made a few changes to the games to make things a little more interesting. Should be fun, yes no? Now let’s turn it over to the Captain, whose talking to the contestants as we speak. Take it, Skipper!
(Cut to Captain Teneal standing in front of a group of people and demons, all of them wearing little red helmets. One demon in particular with rather large horns coming out of his head has a helmet dangling from the end of each horn. The Captain leans on his baton as he begins to speak.)
Captain: How many of you think that demons were on this Earth first, and as such they deserve to rule over the lowly human virus that has infested this planet?
(All the demons cheer.)
Captain: Well, you’re wrong. Humans are the higher evolved creatures. We’ve created a grand civilization, filled with cities and wonders of the modern age. While most of you demons still wander around in the sewers, and don’t know how to use anything more technologically complicated than a sword. Plus, you smell.
(A Fyarl demon stands up from the back of the group and growls loudly. The Captain waves his hand in front of his face as the foul breath reaches him.)
Captain: See what I mean. Let’s go!
(The Captain waves his baton in the air and the competitors take off running. Vic and Kenny speak in voice over as we watch the players pushing and shoving each other.)
Kenny: The Captain better be careful, some of those players could tear him limb from limb.
Vic: Right you are, Ken. But the Captain is a professional, he can handle a few demons.
Kenny: Actually I was talking about the slayers. I hear that when women live together they get on the same cycle. Can you imagine all those slayers PMS-ing at the same time?
Vic: Kenny! That’s a terrible thing to say, how can you even think that! It’s sexist, and chauvinistic, and although true, politically incorrect, and we have sponsors to think about.
(Cut to the Ken-o-tron for Rotating Surfboard of Death, Vic and Kenny are still speaking in voice over.)
Vic: Now, the object of this game is to hang on to the board, dodge a dolphin, and get to the other side without falling into the mystery fluid. Kenny, tell the people where the mystery fluid comes from today.
Kenny: Originally it was runoff from a slaughterhouse, but the vampires kept drinking it. So we added a couple tons of raw sewage, and a few other surprises. The smell should make some of the sewer dwelling demons feel more at home. It’s getting pretty ripe in here.
Vic: Right you are Ken, but I don’t think that has anything to do with the mystery fluid.
Kenny: Hey! You sweat in a vinyl Dracula cape all day and we’ll see how good you smell.
(Cut to Rotating Surfboard of Death as the first contestant is walking up. The Captain blows the whistle and swings his baton. Vic and Kenny are speaking in voice over.)
Captain: Get it on!
Vic: Our first contestant today for the Champions is Xander Harris, he works as a contractor and is one of the founding members of the famous Scooby Gang.
Kenny: Hey, he’s only got one eye.
Vic: Indeed Ken, Xander lost his left eye during the epic battle against the First Evil last year.
Kenny: Well how’s a normal human with one eye supposed to go up against vampires and demons?
Vic: He’s been doing exactly that for over seven years now Ken, and he’s still alive and kicking.
Kenny: I still think he’s going to get his ass kicked.
Vic: Easy there Kenny, Xander happens to be *my* contractor, and a good friend I might add.
Kenny: What do you need a contractor for?
Vic: Remember that party you threw at my house last week? All the drywall damage, the front window that *you* broke.
Kenny: That was an accident.
Vic: You threw a keg of beer through it, how is that an accident?
Kenny: Well, you have to expect that kind of thing if you invite your rowdy friends over.
Vic: They weren’t my friends, they were yours! And you invited them!
Kenny: Yeah, but you invited *me*.
Vic: No I didn’t, you just showed up!
Vic: (sighing) Let’s get back to the action.
(Xander jumps onto the surfboard as it comes by.)
Vic: He’s off to a good start, down on all fours.
Kenny: I believe that position is called the ‘Spank Me, Mommy’.
Vic: Right you are Ken, and now up into a ‘Front Facing Pirate’. He’s approaching the dolphin…oh, and he’s over it! But that was quite a rough landing and I don’t think he has enough time to get up before he reaches the platform. It looks like he’s just going to roll off the back of the surfboard and…oh my, no! He’s hanging off the back of the rotating surfboard of death, his feet mere inches from the mystery fluid! He’s still alive in this one, Ken.
Kenny: Amazing, but he still has to pull himself up before he gets to the end…
(Xander pulls himself up enough to hit the second dolphin face first. He loses his grip and back flops into the mystery fluid.)
Vic: Oh, and he’s down! What a tremendous effort, unfortunately it just wasn’t enough. Let’s go down to Guy LaDouche on the sidelines. Guy?
(Cut to Guy standing in front of the camera. In the background we can see Buffy and Willow arguing with a mud-covered Xander.)
Guy: Guy here, it appears that our friend Xander is in some trouble with his teammates. Let’s listen in.
Xander: Buffy, it’s just a game.
Buffy: Exactly, and I don’t want you getting hurt over just a stupid game.
Xander: I’m not hurt! I fell in some dirty water, the only thing bruised is my ego, I’ll be fine.
Buffy: All the same, I don’t think it’s worth the risk. These aren’t just normal games, they’ve been supped up for demons and slayers.
Willow: She’s right Xander, you could get hurt.
(Xander rolls his eyes and sighs, obviously tired of having the same argument over and over again.)
Xander: If that’s how you feel, fine, I’m not going to talk you out of it. All I can do is wish you guys luck and give you a big sloppy bear hug.
Buffy: Good, I’m glad you see it…wait, what now?
(Before they have a chance to react, Xander grabs both girls in a bear hug.)
Buffy: Ah, gross!
Willow: Xander, get off!
Xander: Good luck girls, I’m rooting for you.
(Xander walks off with a smile on his face. Camera zooms in on Buffy and Willow as they simultaneously look down at themselves caked in mud, and then at each other, and then forward at the camera, both frowning. Xander can be heard laughing off camera. Guy leans into the shot.)
Guy: Looks like there’s trouble in paradise on the Champions side. Back to you, boys.
(Cut back to Rotating Surfboard of Death, a demon with gray skin and sharp teeth walks up to the starting platform.)
Vic: Our next contestant for the demons is Parnak the Devourer.
Parnak: Human, the other white meat!
Kenny: Yikes, I wouldn’t want to run into him in a dark alley. Or a brightly lit one for that matter.
Vic: Indeed, Ken. It says here in his bio that Parnak killed and ate all of the contestants in the 1985 Miss South Dakota beauty pageant. Very unfortunate.
Kenny: I thought women liked getting eaten?
Vic: Let’s get back to the action. Parnak is starting his run. He has a good stance as he approaches the dolphin…oh, and he’s over it! He doesn’t seem to be having any problem with this event at all, Ken.
Kenny: Yeah, I hear human flesh is high in protein. I bet he’s in great shape.
Vic: Right you are, Ken. He’s approaching the platform now, and he’s on it. He takes a moment to growl at Chief Autoparts. Now he’s back on the board, over the second dolphin…and he’s done it! Parnak the Devourer has just scored one for the demons! And just look at the smile on his face. He may be a soulless evil killing machine, but on the inside there’s just a scared little boy looking for approval.
Kenny: Yeah, that’s because Parnak ate him.
(Cut to Guy nervously holding a microphone up to Parnak.)
Parnak: I’m going to celebrate this victory by going out and getting a Big Mac.
Guy: Oh, I didn’t know demons liked McDonald’s.
Parnak: McDonald’s? Hell no, I mean I’m going to go eat a fat Scottish guy.
Guy: Please don’t eat me, scary man!
Parnak: Don’t you worry your pretty little pith helmet, I hate French food.
(Cut back to Rotating Surfboard of Death.)
Vic: Next up for the Champions, it’s Rona Watson. She’s a slayer from Chicago, Illinois. Her likes include long walks on the beach and the killing of the undead. Her dislikes are people who talk at the movies, and obnoxious guys named Kenny who wear orange kimonos.
Kenny: Mmm, dark meat. Kenny like.
Vic: Kenny, are you even listening to me?! Please, try to control yourself, you’re a professional broadcaster…ah, never mind. I forgot who I was talking to for a second.
Kenny: Yeah, me a professional, HA!
Vic: Let’s get back to the action, Rona is just about to start her run. She’s stepping onto the surfboard now…and she’s down! That one’s going to get an MXC Impact Replay.
(Cut to replay of Rona falling in slow motion.)
Kenny: As you can see, right here she overcompensates for the speed of the surfboard, losing her balance, and tumbling head first into the mystery fluid. She may be a slayer, but right now she’s just a dirty girl. Which is just how I like ‘em, yummy.
(Cut back to Rotating Surfboard of Death. A vampire in full game face wearing a Cleveland Browns jersey steps up.)
Vic: Finally, we have Charlie Babaganoosh. He’s a vampire who’s originally from Sunnydale, but moved to Cleveland after the town was destroyed in the battle with the First Evil.
Charlie: Go Browns!
Kenny: Wow, he must be a real glutton for punishment.
Vic: You mean moving from one Hellmouth to another?
Kenny: No, I mean being a Browns fan. They suck.
Vic: Right you are, Ken. It looks like Charlie is getting ready to start. He’s on the surfboard, so far so good. Coming up to the dolphin…and he’s over, he sticks the landing! He’s got a good stance, coming up on the platform now. He’s up, can he pick it up on the other side. He steps off…and no, he’s down! Into the mystery fluid.
(Cut to close-up of Charlie in the mystery fluid, thrashing around and screaming.)
Charlie: AAAAHHH! HELP ME, GET ME OUT OF THIS!
Vic: We should mention that the name of this event, Rotating Surfboard of Death, is a bit of a misnomer.
Kenny: Yeah, it’s actually more of a boogie board.
Vic: Right you are, Ken. The death part though is quite correct, at least for vampires. One of the things we added to the games today to make them more interesting was 50,000 gallons of holy water in the mystery fluid.
Kenny: Yeah, it was blessed by MXC’s own Father Laffy Pants.
Charlie: IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Vic: So after one event the demons are on top one to zero.
(Cut to montage of clips from Dash to Death.)
Announcer: Coming up next, Dash to Death. Stay tuned for more MXC, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge!
(Open with replay of Charlie Babaganoosh thrashing around in the mystery fluid and disintegrating.)
Announcer: Welcome back to MXC, where the evil minions of Hell are taking on people who think good is swell. (mumbling) Who writes this sh*t?
(Cut to Vic and Kenny, back in their normal outfits.)
Kenny: So then the vampire hooker says ‘two pints of O positive, same as in town’. Ha ha ha ha!
Vic: I don’t get it.
(Xander enters from the side, he’s wearing a kimono similar to Vic and Kenny’s only it’s black highlighted in silver, and he’s carrying a folded fan.)
Xander: I think he told it wrong.
Kenny: Hey, it’s that guy with the eye-patch.
Vic: Xander, what are you doing up here?
Xander: Well, since I’m no longer competing today I thought I’d come up here and hang with you guys. Your wardrobe department was kind enough to lend me the outfit, what do you think?
Kenny: You look like a Japanese pirate.
(Vic hits Kenny with his fan.)
Vic: You look very stylish, Xander. Take a seat.
(Xander sits down next to Kenny.)
Vic: Well, the vampire ashes have been skimmed from the top of the mystery fluid so it’s time for our next game. Dash to Death!
(Cut to the Ken-o-tron for Dash to Death.)
Vic: The object of the game is to race across the obstacle course without being dashed to death.
(Cut to Dash to Death. The same demon with the large horns from the beginning steps up and growls unintelligibly. He’s about 8 feet tall with dark red leathery skin and spikes jutting out of his spine. He shakes his head and the two crash helmets dangling from each horn go flying.)
Vic: First up for the demons, it’s Taz. He’s a berserker demon. His hobbies include goring parked cars and playing poker for kittens.
Kenny: That’s a strange name for a demon.
Xander: Actually it’s a nickname, his real name is just a collection of grunts and guttural noises. He got the name Taz because he sounds and acts a lot like the Tasmanian Devil. (pause) What? He plays poker with a friend of mine, Clem.
Vic: It looks like he’s getting ready to start.
(The Captain blows the whistle and waves his baton.)
Captain: Get it on!
Vic: And there he goes, past the Zygote brothers.
Xander: I know it’s their job to try and distract the contestants but maybe someone should have warned them that it’s not a good idea to piss off…
Vic: Oh, the Zygotes have just been thrown into the mystery fluid!
Xander: …a Berserker Demon. Oh well, at least he didn’t gore them.
Vic: And now he’s moving onto the brain scrambler, where…oh my.
Kenny: Wow, that’s got to be an MXC first Vic! The brain scrambler has become impaled on one of the demon’s horns.
Vic: Right you are, Ken. And he doesn’t appear to notice that it’s there.
Xander: I doubt he even felt it, Vic. I once saw a Berserker take a baseball bat to the back of the head and not even flinch.
Kenny: I bet whoever was swinging the bat was hurting the next day.
Xander: Well, my shoulder was a little sore but other than that I was fine. (pause) What?
Vic: He’s moving past the Grinder with no trouble, and…oh, he jumped completely over the ejaculator and into the contraceptive sponges! This is quite a display of athleticism.
Kenny: Yeah, and he’s good too.
Vic: Right you are, Ken. And now here comes the angry dragon…and he bats it away with very little effort. Through the sponges, over the spinner, he’s really moving now!
Kenny: Here come the swinging nards of doom.
Vic: He catches the first one and throws it back, oh and it collides with the second one, knocking it back. And here he just swats the third one away with an angry growl!
Kenny: Wow, I haven’t seen anyone handle balls like that since that time I walked into your dressing room without knocking.
Vic: He’s approaching the ropey strand, eyeing it nervously. He hasn’t grabbed it yet, I don’t know what he’s…oh, he jumped! And he made it! Unbelievable, he jumped from the last platform all the way to the goal without use of the rope or the floating landing pads and he has done it and scored another point for the demons!
Xander: That’s right Vic, and if you take a look at the impact replay, right here you see he knows that rope isn’t going to hold him so he just hauls off and leaps across to the goal.
Kenny: Hey, talking over the impact replay is my job!
Xander: Now let’s go down to Guy.
Kenny: HEY, throwing it over to Guy is my job too!
(Cut to Guy standing six feet away from Taz, holding a microphone on a very long stick.)
Guy: That was quite a run.
Taz: Blargtsda (Growl) Traklert (Slurp) Jaolrrrrplog (Drool) Brraloslfmn (Spit) Pratkglh!
Guy: Well said.
(Cut back to Dash to Death.)
Vic: Next up for the Champions, it’s Rupert Giles. He’s the on-again, off-again watcher of Buffy Summers.
Kenny: Being a watcher sounds cool, you get to watch slayers all day long. Working out in spandex or some short shorts, kicking ass all the time. I’d do that job for free.
Xander: It’s a little more complicated than that, Kenny. There’s training, and research, and more training, and even more research. So much research that you get a chest cold from all the dust you’re inhaling from musty old books. So much research that you feel like if you read one more sentence, your eyes are going to fall out of your head. So much research that you find yourself speaking ancient Summarian to the drive-thru speaker at Taco Bell. I mean…it’s a lot of research, that’s all I’m trying to say.
Vic: Right you are, Xander. Not to mention the fact that the relationship between a watcher and his slayer is based on trust, and romantic entanglements only serve to complicate it.
Kenny: Who’s talking about romance? I just want to tap that ass. (Starts making spanking noises with his mouth.) Yeah baby, who’s your daddy!
Vic: Let’s get back to the action, Mr. Giles is just getting ready to start his run. And there he goes, he’s past the Zygote brothers, onto the brain scrambler. He’s slowing down, oh and the brain scrambler misses him completely. He’s making his way past the grinder, moving very carefully…oh, it looks like he’s losing his footing. And he slips and takes a header into the mystery fluid! Let’s take a look at that again on the MXC Impact Replay.
Xander: Right here you see where he slowed down just before the brain scrambler dropped. You can see right here, he’s actually looking at the shadow on the wall behind him. He can tell exactly when it’s going to drop, and he deftly avoids it. A very clever strategy, unfortunately it wasn’t enough.
Vic: Right you are, Xander.
Kenny: Hey! You did it again. Are you trying to steal my job or something?
Xander: Kenny, of course not. You’re keeping me in business. You throw a couple more parties at Vic’s place and I’ll have enough money to get that Jet Ski I’ve had my eye on.
Kenny: Consider it done.
Vic: Kenny, no! No more parties at my house!
Vic: (sighs) Next up for the demons we have Delilah Harlot.
Delilah: Stiff me and I’ll rip out your jugular.
Vic: She’s a vampire who runs ‘Delilah’s Den of Debauchery’, a demon brothel in Reno, Nevada where their motto is ‘We’ll suck more than just your blood’.
Kenny: Yeah, they’re having a special this month on tentacle intercourse, two orifices for the price of one. She gave me a coupon before the game for a free penguin job, I thought that was nice of her.
Vic: Right you are, Ken. And there she goes, she’s off to a good start so far. Past the Zygotes, oh she takes a brain scrambler to the head but she keeps going. Past the grinder, she’s got a good pace going. To the ejaculator, and a good bounce into the contraceptive sponges. She’s approaching the angry dragon, and oh! She takes a hit straight to the face, and she’s in the mystery fluid!
Xander: Wow, you’d think she’d be more experienced taking balls to the face like that.
Vic: Right you are, Xander. And now we’ll take a short pause while we wait for her body to dissolve completely in the mystery fluid.
Delilah: I’m melting! What a world, what a world…
Kenny: I wonder who’ll run the Den of Debauchery now. I hope they still take my coupon.
Vic: I’m sure they will, Ken.
(Delilah’s body dissolves into ash, a guy in a biohazard suit walks up with a pool skimmer and scoops the ashes out of the mystery fluid.)
Vic: Finally, our last contestant in this event is Kennedy Babaganoosh. She’s a slayer who fought in the final battle of Sunnydale. Her likes include ‘Girls Gone Wild’, and bossing people around. Her dislikes are people who point out what a bitch she is, and the male genitalia.
Kennedy: My last name’s not babaga-whatever.
Kenny: Yeah, well, we don’t know what your last name is so we just made one up for you.
Xander: You know, that’s strange. She’s my best friend’s girlfriend and I don’t know what her last name is either.
Kenny: I thought your best friend was a chick.
Xander: She is, Willow.
Kenny: You mean…her and that redhead chick are…they’re…they’re…
Xander: Lesbians, yes. (pause) Kenny, are you okay? Kenny? His eyes just got all glassy and he’s staring off into space, is he okay?
Vic: He’ll be fine in a little while, I think he just overloaded.
Xander: Oh, okay.
Vic: It looks like Kennedy is getting ready to start, and there she goes. Past the Zygotes, past the brain scrambler, she just bats it away like it’s a beach ball. Onto the grinder, wow she’s really moving out there.
Xander: For a slayer, this course is no problem, a walk in the park.
Vic: Over the ejaculator and into the sponges, past the angry dragon. Over the spinner, through more sponges. And here come the swinging nards of doom.
Xander: One…two…and three, she’s past them.
Vic: She grabs the ropey strand…and she’s across, she’s done it, she’s put the champions on the board! That was just amazing, don’t you think Kenny?
Vic: Indeed Kenny, indeed. After two events the demons are still on top two to one, but the champions are catching up and this is still anyone’s game.
(Cut to clip montage of Big Brass Balls)
Announcer: Coming up, the contestants see who can hold onto their balls the longest, when we return to Most Extreme Elimination Challenge!
(Open with replay of Kennedy’s run from Dash to Death.)
Announcer: Welcome back to MXC, where the forces of light are taking on the forces of fright. (sighs) That’s actually worse than the last one, do they really expect me to read this crap? (sound of paper crumpling) Ponderous, f*cking ponderous.
(Cut to Vic, Kenny and Xander. Kenny is wearing a tweed suit and a pair of wire rim glasses. He’s holding a cup of tea in one hand and a cricket bat in the other.)
Kenny: (w/ bad British accent) Welcome back, old beans. We’re off to a rousing start here, with the demons thrashing the champions two to one.
Kenny: Anyone else like a spot of tea, maybe some bangers and mash?
Kenny: How about a game of grasshopper?
Xander: I think you mean cricket.
Vic: Kenny, what are you doing?
Kenny: (drops accent) I heard the Watchers Council is being rebuilt so I wanted to show them how stuffy and British I can be. I’m hoping they’ll recruit me.
Xander: Are you really serious about this?
Kenny: I’m always serious when it comes to hot chicks.
Xander: I tell you what, I’ll talk to Giles and get him to lend you one of his journals. You page through it, and if you’re still serious, I’ll get you an interview.
Kenny: Really? Cool. Slayers here I come.
Vic: Let’s get back to the game.
(Cut to Ken-o-tron for Big Brass Balls.)
Vic: Our next event is Big Brass Balls. The object is to get across the rickety bridge without getting you or your balls shot off.
(Cut to Big Brass Balls.)
Vic: First up for the demons, it’s Parnak the Devourer. You might remember him from earlier, when he scored during Rotating Surfboard of Death.
(Parnak walks up, wiping his mouth with what looks the tattered remains of a kilt. He tosses it aside.)
Xander: That’s the problem with demons, no table manners.
(Vic and Xander look at Kenny.)
Vic: Let’s get back to the action. The Captain is lobbing Parnak a brass ball, and there he goes. Cautious but steady. We probably should mention that since this game isn’t played over water…
(A canon ball sails through the air, decapitating Parnak. His headless body stays standing on the bridge for a second before falling over into the net.)
Xander: Holy shit!
Vic: As I was saying, since this game isn’t played over water, we’ve replaced the normal volleyballs we launch at the contestants with cannonballs. To make the game more interesting.
Xander: Don’t you think maybe you should have told the contestants ahead of time?
Kenny: Where’s the fun in that?
Vic: Next up for the Champions, it’s Andrew Wells. He’s a former super villain, turned to the side of good in a quest for redemption.
Xander: What? Who wrote that?
Vic: Andrew did, he gave it to me before the show.
Xander: Tell you what, let me do his intro. Next up is Andrew Wells, former pain-in-the-ass turned to the side of good in a quest for not getting killed.
(Andrew runs out onto the bridge and immediately dives off into the net, screaming.)
Vic: Well, that was an interesting strategy. Next up for the demons we have…
(Vic is cut off as an unidentified demon runs onto the bridge and immediately dives off into the net, a cannonball just missing him.)
Vic: As I was saying, next up for the Champions, it’s Willow Rosenberg. Best friend of the slayer Buffy Summers, original member of the Scooby Gang, powerful witch, once tried to end the world. Her likes include mochas, and spending time with her friends. Dislikes, frogs.
Kenny: Hey Xander, she’s your best friend, right?
Kenny: So how come you don’t look worried that they’re going to shoot cannonballs at her.
Xander: Willow can handle herself.
(The Captain launches Willow a brass ball, which she catches. She hovers a few inches off the bridge, not even touching it. Several cannonballs are launched, only to be stopped in mid air several feet away from her. She floats to the other side, and the cannonballs fall harmlessly into the net.)
Kenny: Hey, no fair!
Xander: You altered the games to account for special abilities, you can’t complain when somebody uses them.
Vic: Right you are, Xander. Willow has just scored for the Champions, and that means after three games, we’re all tied up, two to two. Just one more event to go, which means it all comes down to this.
(Cut to clip montage of Log Drop.)
Announcer: Coming up next, Log Drop. Stay tuned or we’ll tell the demons where you live.
(Open with a replay of Willow’s run from Big Brass Balls.)
Announcer: Welcome back to MXC, where it’s the Good vs. the Bad and the Ugly.
(Cut to Vic, Kenny and Xander. Kenny is back in his normal clothes.)
Xander: Kenny, what happened to the tweed? I thought you wanted to be a watcher.
Kenny: I did, until I looked at that journal thing you gave me.
Vic: Ah, so now you see that being a watcher takes dedication and hard work, that it’s not just about ogling young girls in spandex.
Kenny: Nah, I didn’t read it. Once I saw how thick it was, I knew being a watcher wasn’t for me. Reading blows. I was thinking, maybe I can be a sidekick or something, you know, comic relief.
Xander: Ah, now you’re speaking my language Kenny. Maybe I can help you out, give you some tips. It can be a thankless job at times it’s true, but I think you’ll find it rewarding. In fact, I talked it over with the others, and we’re going to make you both honorary Scoobies.
Vic: Well that’s very kind of you Xander, I’m honored.
Kenny: Yeah, cool, sidekick to the slayer. We get to fight evil, and watch the slayers train, and hang out with the lesbians, and…um…lesbians…
Xander: I think I overloaded him again. Sorry.
Vic: I wouldn’t worry about it, he does that a lot.
Xander: Yeah, he’s definitely perfect to fill my old spot as comic relief.
Vic: So, if you’re not comic relief anymore, what are you?
Xander: Oh, I can pull off anything from gun toting badass to dashingly handsome romantic lead. It depends who you ask.
Vic: And what role would I fill?
Xander: I think you should do what you do best, play-by-play.
Vic: Speaking of play-by-play, let’s throw it down to the Captain and start our last game, Log Drop.
Vic: Right you are, Ken.
(Cut to Ken-a-tron for Log Drop.)
Xander: The object of Log Drop is to get across the spinning logs to the other side without falling into the liquid below. Stay dry good, get wet bad. In some cases, very bad.
Vic: Right you are, Xander.
(Cut to Log Drop.)
Captain: Get it on!
Vic: First up for the demons, it’s Willy the Snitch. He’s the owner and proprietor of Willy’s Alibi Room, a seedy demon dive on the outskirts of Sunnydale. He deals in blood, and information if the price is right, or if someone sufficiently scary threatens to break his body in half.
Xander: Hey, what’s Willy doing competing for the demons, he’s human?
Vic: Well, it seems the demons recruited a few humans. I guess they didn’t think it was fair that any time one of them failed an event, they were burned to death in a mixture of raw sewage and holy water.
Willy: I just want to say, that I’m competing here today to show all those people who think I’m just some pushover punching bag they can come to and kick the crap out of whenever the mood suits them that I’m a person too. I have feelings, and desires, and…
Captain: Yeah, yeah, yeah, let’s get going pipsqueak.
Vic: And he’s on the first log, with a little helping push by the Captain…and he’s down!
Xander: And that’s going to be an MXC impact replay. Take a look right here at the way he goes face first into the second log, using the soft cartilage in his nose to break his fall. And just look at the way he curls up in the fetal position as he hits the water. This is a man who knows how to take a beating.
Vic: Indeed. Let’s throw it down to Guy.
(Cut to Guy standing next to Willy, covered in mud.)
Guy: Aren’t you afraid your teammates will be upset with you for not making it across?
Willy: Are you kidding, I’m covered in enough holy water to keep them away for weeks. If it weren’t so bad for business, I’d jump in again. This might be embarrassing, but it beats getting pushed around by the slayer.
(Buffy steps into the shot and pushes Willy to the ground with a yelp, causing Guy to jump.)
Buffy: I just want to say, that I’m up next, and the Champions have got this game in the bag. This thing is no match for a slayer.
Guy: What about me, am *I* a match for a slayer?
Buffy: Piss off, twerp.
Guy: Ooh, forceful, Guy like.
(Cut to Vic, Xander, and Kenny. Kenny is staring off into space with a smile on his face, Vic and Xander are just staring at the camera, puzzled looks on their faces.)
(Cut back to Log Drop, Buffy climbing the stairs.)
Vic: Next up for the Champions, it’s Buffy Summers. The longest lived, and generally regarded best slayer on record. Her long list of victories include The Master, Mayor Richard Wilkens III, Adam, Glory, and of course, The First Evil. Her defeats include her death by drowning at the hands of The Master, and her death to close a portal to Hell created by Glory.
Xander: And one time I beat her at Crazy 8’s.
Vic: And one time Xander beat her at Crazy 8’s. So, what do you think of her boasts? Is Log Drop truly no match for a slayer?
Xander: Well, it all depends. Log Drop is all about balance, and quickness. Slayer speed will certainly come in handy, but last I checked, slayers don’t have an increased sense of balance. Don’t get me wrong, I have every confidence that Buffy can do it, I’m just not sure how much of a factor her slayer abilities are going to be.
Vic: Well, we’re about to find out. Buffy is just beginning her run now. Oh, and she’s off to a quick start, hopping from log to log seemingly without too much trouble at all.
Xander: I guess I was wrong Vic, maybe Log Drop really isn’t a match for a slayer.
Vic: She’s almost at the end now, one more log to go. And…she stopped on the last log. She’s turning around and waving to her teammates. She’s crouching down now, it looks like she’s…oh! She fell, she’s in the mystery fluid! Now that definitely calls for an MXC impact replay.
Xander: As you can see here Vic, it looks like she was trying to back flip onto the platform from the last log. But she pushed off too hard and the log rolled out from under her, sending her crashing down, and into the mystery fluid.
Vic: Unbelievable. She was doing so well, what do you think possessed her to try something so risky?
Xander: She got cocky Vic, plain and simple.
Vic: Let’s throw it down to Guy and see what Buffy has to say about it. Guy?
(Cut to Guy standing next to a very muddy and unhappy Buffy.)
Guy: What happened?
Buffy: I…I don’t understand it, I should have won. I always win!
Guy: Perhaps Guy can comfort you in some way, a foot rub or maybe a back rub. You look very tense, I could just…
(Cut to Vic and Xander staring into the camera.)
(Cut back to Log Drop.)
Vic: Next up for the demons, it’s Rak. He’s a human sorcerer who specializes in exploiting those with magic addiction problems, feeding off of their power.
Xander: I thought he was dead?
Vic: True, he was. But since when is death a permanent thing when it comes to the people you deal with.
Xander: Good point.
Vic: He’s starting his run now, looking confident. He seems to be using some kind of magic, the logs aren’t moving at all.
(A green bolt of energy crackles across the air and strikes Rak in the head, sending him tumbling into the mystery fluid.)
Vic: Oh, and he’s down! Where do you suppose that burst of energy came from?
Xander: (deadpan) I haven’t the foggiest.
(Cut to Willow, polishing her nails on her shirt and whistling innocently.)
(Cut back to Vic and Kenny, Kenny still staring off into space.)
Vic: Well, that leaves one last contestant left in regulation, and that’s Dawn Summers. Can she break this tie and win it for the Champions? What do you thing Ken? Kenny? Kenny! Nana Blankenship called, she said your cat Mr. Sphincter just went all over your copy of Shaved Grannies.
Vic: Just trying to get your attention, Kenny. We still have a show to do here.
Kenny: Where’d Xander go?
Vic: He went down on the field to offer support to his friends.
(Cut to Xander and Dawn, standing next to the Log Drop course.)
Dawn: I don’t think I can do this, Xander.
Xander: Of course you can, just remember what I told you. Step lightly and quickly, and whatever you do, don’t try to do a back flip.
Dawn: I’m serious Xander, if Buffy couldn’t do it, what hope do I have?
Xander: Buffy made a mistake. Just because she’s the slayer, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t make mistakes. And just because you’re not, doesn’t mean you can’t do this. I believe in you Dawn, and I’m going to be right here cheering you on. I know you can do this. Come on, have I ever steered you wrong?
Dawn: Well, there was that time you told me that Twinkies were good for you.
Xander: They’re full of rich creamy goodness.
Dawn: And that time you told me Star Wars was real.
Xander: I have yet to be proven wrong about that, it takes place in a galaxy far far away. Let me rephrase my question. Have I ever steered you wrong when it mattered?
Dawn: No, you haven’t.
Xander: So believe me now, you can do this.
Dawn: I can do this.
Xander: Damn straight.
Dawn: I can do this. I can do this.
(Cut to Log Drop, Dawn coming up the stairs.)
Vic: Dawn Summers is the younger sister of the slayer, Buffy Summers. Actually, she’s a mystical ball of energy known as the Key, given human form so that she would be protected from the evil Hell goddess Glorificus. All the same, she’s the Champions last hope for a win in regulation, and she’s about to start her run.
Kenny: If she doesn’t score here, we’re going into a sudden death tie breaker, with actual death!
Vic: Right you are, Ken. And there she goes. She’s a little shaky to start, but she’s doing well. Good balance, good form. You can hear her friends cheering her on from the sidelines. Oh, and she slipped…but she caught herself. She’s still alive.
Kenny: She’s gone into a Scary Uncle, that’s a tough move to pull off.
Vic: Right you are, Ken. But she’s doing it. She’s hopped over to the next log, and the next, and…she’s done it! She’s made it to the end and scored one for the Champions! That’s it, that’s the end and the Champions have won it 3 to 2! And just look at her teammates, gathering around to congratulate her and celebrate their victory.
(Dawn rushes over and hugs Xander as everyone gathers around celebrating. A few moments later, Vic and Kenny show up, Kenny jumping into the crowd and latching on to Willow and Kennedy who are hugging. Vic shakes Xander’s hand to congratulate him.)
Xander: I told you you could do it, Dawn.
(Willow and Kennedy extricate themselves from Kenny and shoot him a weird look.)
Kennedy: Come on Willow, let’s get out of here so we can celebrate a little more…privately.
Willow: Sounds good to me.
(Kenny’s eyes bug out as the pair leave hand in hand. He turns to Xander.)
Kenny: You think maybe me being an honorary Scooby and all, they might let me watch?
Xander: Couldn’t hurt to ask.
(Kenny smiles and takes off running after the pair.)
Vic: Kenny wait, we still have one more thing to do before the show is over!
Xander: It’s okay Vic, I got it covered. Give me the intro.
Vic: Now it’s time for Ken…I mean, Xander Harris’ 10 most painful eliminations of the day!
(Replays run of each elimination as Xander reads them off.)
Xander: Number 10, it’s Charlie Babaganoosh. He was the first to find out that the Rotating Surfboard of Death isn’t just a clever name. Number 9, it’s my good friend Giles, who managed to use his watcher training to watch the brain scrambler before it hit him, but couldn’t watch his own footing right here as he slips into the mystery fluid. Tough break G-Man. Number 8 is Delilah Harlot, the hooker with the heart of black, who takes a few balls to the face, and ends up in a pool skimmer. Coming in at number 7, it’s yours truly, whose hair-raising run on the Rotating Surfboard of Death came to a sudden end when I came face to face with a pink dolphin. I’m usually much better with things that are pink and fishy, I swear. Number 6, it’s Willy the snitch, who takes a face plant right into a log, and then gets shoved around by a slayer. Don’t worry, he’s used to it. Number 5 is Parnak the Devourer, who loses his head during Big Brass Balls. Coming in at number 4, it’s Andrew Wells, who takes a header into the net before his run even starts. Probably the smartest thing you’ve done all year, Andy. Number 3, it’s…actually, we never got this demon’s name, he jumped into the net before he was even introduced. Probably the smartest thing he’s done all year too. Number 2 is Rak, the evil sorcerer who gets blasted by some mystery magic, and ends up sucking mystery fluid. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. And the number 1 most painful elimination of the day has to be…Buffy Summers. She starts off good, but tries to impress us all with her gymnastic skills, and ends up face first in the sludge. Ouch, that had to hurt.
(Cut back to the group celebrating next to the Log Drop course.)
Buffy: I’m hurt Xander, I thought we were friends.
Xander: Ah, come on Buff, we are friends. But even you have to admit that that was pretty stupid. But it’s okay, you don’t have to be the hero all the time. Today it just happens to be Dawn.
(Xander lifts Dawn onto his shoulders.)
Xander: Three cheers for Dawn! Hip hip!
Xander: Hip hip!
Xander: Hip hip!
Vic: Well, that’s our show folks. Make sure you tune in next week, when pro golfers take on their archrivals, the trucking industry. Until then, I’m Vic Romano, for Kenny Blankenship, Xander Harris, and everyone else here at MXC, what do we always say?!
All: Don’t get eliminated!!